Plea for Chill

I know everyone says this but I do just want to be friends first. Will i still fuck you, yeah, but I want to be friends with you before I consider dating. If you aren't the type of person I can have as just a friend, I don't want to fall in love with you. 

I want to get to know you as myself. I don't want to try and impress you in an extreme sense. I want to show up bare bones as myself and let's see if there's anything there vs showing up as my best and then getting comfortable enough to be myself. I don't want to shave my legs. I think when I do that I get wrapped up in the performance, the dance, of dating. I'm obsessed with whether I'm performing my part correctly, and I'm analyzing how they are playing their part and trying to decode what that might mean about what they think of me. I just legit dont care. I like hanging out with dudes. I just want to talk and chill and in the process I will get to know you and if we are just friends, cool. If we really dig each other and maybe fall in love or whatever that's cool too. But I need to turn down the heat. The dates and the romance idk i think it actually drives me crazy. Like I go a little insane and totally lose the plot. Romance me when you want to be my boyfriend for real because you like regular-ass me. 

I wish there wasn't this negative stigma towards just being chill. I actually really like just chilling with a dude in his apartment and talking and drinking water. I feel so much more comfortable in that space. What makes me uncomfortable is the implication that by accepting that i must be “easy”, that i am low effort and will take whatever i can get. Trust me I'm not low effort, I just appreciate different effort. I want you to take the time to think about what you're saying, to actually ask me questions and to pay attention to my answer. Anyone can take me out, that's a very impersonal action. What you can do specifically is talk to me and be real with me. I think people are the coolest. I could sit and gab for the rest of eternity. If you want to impress me, be interested in having a genuine conversation with me. Conduct yourself with care and respect. Put effort into reading and thinking and pondering. Have an opinion and be able to back it up. 

Now, call me crazy, but I also want this experience even if we never end up dating. Lets say we are just fucking, why cant we hang out and talk and be for real with each other. When I propose this way of conducting ourselves, I feel like guys get really uncomfortable. Like it's a trap and they are waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm currently fostering a new friend with benefits, and as we are getting to know each other I think he is starting to understand my vibe and we actually talked about the other people we are dating and it felt refreshing. I don't need to pretend like I'm the only one to have a good time. I think it's fun to talk to dudes about dating, to get their perspective, and to give them my perspective. Dating is such a fun topic to talk about to me. Last time I saw him I was straight up like “dude I’m not gonna text you” you know as a warning to not be offended, I’m still into you, I just don't like texting. He didn't believe me, and as I was leaving he asks “so, I'm not going to text you, and that's going to be fine?” and I was like ya of course I’m not going to text you either. And like magic, we didn't text each other. No aimless chatting. He texted me to invite me over and of course I responded. Saw him again, left again, and as I was leaving he asks me again “so, still good if I don't text you?” And I'm like yes dude just text me when you want to see me, no other communication necessary. I can see on his face he is waiting for the day I say “you didn't text me and that's super rude and I’m super upset”. 

Maybe I'm naive of myself, but I really don't see that day coming. 

I do wonder if I will ever be able to have a lustful romance again. Like when you like a dude immediately and want to take a bite out of him. And you want to date him for real and instantly you feel like you can marry him.  I think I have such a distrust of myself now when I feel like that. I try to avoid those feelings or not give in to them because I can't act responsibly with them. I think I also have the tendency to feel like that about people I shouldn't. Something about a toxic dude makes me want to have his babies. Idk what that disease is but I have it. 

I want to focus on fostering relationships with people that make me feel at peace. My crazy ass is addicted to the toxic and I have a strange belief that that's what love has to be. Nice guys are boring, right? I want to see what happens when I date a guy that doesn't stress me out. Maybe I’m not feeling butterflies right away, but I have a hunch I might be fucking allergic to butterflies. I’m tired of feeling sick - love sick included. 

You see in movies where two old, previously divorced people go on a first date, and there is this level of honesty like “ok ya I thought I fell in love, but in the process I learned what I actually need from a partner” and mutual understanding that you may not be “the love of my life” but when I tried to live on that premise it didn't really work out. And it does not mean that you will not fall in love again, but that love can be different, and partnership can be different, and you know that because of your experience. I’ve never been divorced but I want to skip to the post divorce relationship. I feel like you need to pay the price of a devastating romance in order to be allowed to be pragmatic about your relationship. Can I save the heart break and try and find a partner I can see being with for the rest of my life? And maybe I’m pessimistic to think that the best partner cannot be the same person I feel these intense romance, skin-wearing emotions for, but right now the math isn't mathing. The people that make me feel like that are not good partners, and at the end of the day, a true partner is what I want. 

I want my partner to be my best friend. So ya, instead of going on the dates and reading the lines, playing our parts, I just want to hang out, relax, and get an understanding of your vibe. If you are not a person I would even be friends with, you aren't someone I want to put the effort into dating. I want to say “friends first” but I mean it differently than intended. Im gonna fuck you really early on, maybe ill hold out for our second hang out but probably not. I like sex and it's not that deep for me emotionally. I can have sex and not a single love spark will fly, but I'm still having a great time. And I totally understand that not everyone is like that! Sex is intimate, but I am regularly and very comfortably intimate with my friends. Maybe not physically intimate but still intimate regardless. I’m big on platonic intimacy, it’s just not something everyone can do, and that's fine.