Pardon the Excuses

I resent the idea that I need to justify myself. To think that people would only respect my choices if they knew my whole life story. That I would only be accepted if I was understood completely. But I don't want to tell anyone anything. I don't want to offer my life story just to get your approval. It's personal. It’s also irrelevant? Yes, what I've been through has had a huge impact on the person I am today, but if on face value you dont like me then I don't even want to put in the time to convince you to like me. 

I also don't know if my resentment is a genuine reaction to my experience, or if I'm insecure and being defensive. My hobbies, my career, my sexuality - I like to tell myself that I'm comfortable in myself but I can't unsee that my defensive nature just reads as insecure. In a vacuum I feel really comfortable, but when I become conscious of someone forming an opinion of me, I call into question every aspect of my identity. I become self conscious. And I resent someone making me feel self conscious because, based on my beliefs, I don't think I deserve to feel self conscious. Especially when I think that the basis that people judge me on is very hypocritical. I see them form an opinion of me, and because I know what type of person they are, I know that if they knew the full story they would feel so stupid. It's a constant “gotchya” moment that I resist participating in. It's so tempting to want to shatter their image, but unfortunately the cost of entry is spilling my guts.

I dropped out of school because I got so stressed out I started hearing voices. 

I cant go on a diet to lose weight because I get so obsessed about my food that if I falter I get insanely suicidal. I've tried killing myself many times over my weight alone. 

I've chosen a higher paying job vs a fulfilling one because the pain aint cheap and I need the money to support myself. 

I'm terrified of going dancing or to new bars because I experience hallucinations and will see my rapist 50 times in the night and it freaks me out so bad I'll have a panic attack. 

I drive everywhere instead of taking transit because the call of the void is so strong I hold myself back from jumping in front of the train every time I take the metro. If it wasn't for the fact I would be traumatizing so many people, I would have done it by now. 

I say I don't want a boyfriend but I'm just too scared to let anyone in. I can't handle the vulnerability. 

My biggest crushes have been on women but I feel so invalidated in queer communities that I've just given up on the prospect. 

I've come to terms with myself. I know who I am . I don't beat myself up anymore. What's weird is seeing other people who want to beat me up for it. 

“Thats your job? You're such a sell out”

“Why are you here? You aren't even gay?”

“You seriously drove there?”

“What happened to going to school?”

“Dont you want to lose weight? Like for your health at least?”

I don't know what compels people to ask questions like that. And it's annoying that if I were to answer honestly, I would be the dramatic one. Giving my honest answer would be trauma dumping or would be participating in the oppression olympics. I am not a negative person. I do not have a negative outlook on my life. If anything, people comment on my bizarre optimism in the face of adversity. Unfortunately that doesn't change the fact that I've been through some shit and that shit changed my path. That's my truth, no other way around it. Trust me, if I had a choice in the matter, I would have a different story. 

That being said, I think I’m doing a great fucking job coping. Every single day I wake up and try again. Forgive me for choosing not to hate myself in the process.