I miss my boys

I want to speak candidly like I did with Y

I want to feel safe like I did with P

I want my body to be worshipped like it was with A

I want to be fucked like L fucked me

It's like with every good experience comes disappointment. I can't help but compare everyone to each other. I want to stop craving aspects of people that I don't like anymore. As time goes on, I'm less and less satisfied with new people because they don't seem to measure up. It's harder to compromise when I have evidence that what I want does actually exist. I'm not chasing a fantasy. I'm chasing a high I've already felt before. I hate that everything feels like a downgrade. It makes me wonder what, in the end, I will finally compromise on. Because yes I have these good experiences, but none of them exist in 1 person. They all have other qualities that outweigh their good ones, which is why they aren't around anymore. Will I end up with someone who sees me? Or makes me feel safe? Or is infatuated with me? Or is completely sexually compatible? I don't think all boxes can be ticked, so which one will be left unchecked?  

I’m also contemplating what type of relationship I want to have. I swing back and forth between either wanting to be the wife/mother, worshipped by their husband, or by having a true partner that views and treats me as an equal. I would say I wanted both but rarely does one person possess both views on women, nor want both of these elements in a partner. 

The man that will take care of me, give me a house and a car and a kid, will require power over me. Sure, in the 21st century you could have this dynamic and have it not be completely misogynistic, but there will still be roles and a power dynamic that does limit my individual freedom. In order for this type of relationship to work, I would have to sacrifice my masculine tendency to be in control of my situation. I am terrified at the prospect of giving up control and being made the fool. I do not think the women who have been blindsided by their husbands have all been naive. I have zero confidence that I possess the discernment to not choose a man that wouldn't betray me. 

Now the inverse, two equals in one partnership, it sounds appealing, but what I am starting to realize is that I may not be cut out for it. I don't think my ego can handle having a man treat me like I'm just as capable as him. There is a part of me that doesn't cope well with not being worshipped. But a man will not worship someone he understands to be on the same level as him. Now this is a dramatic example, but I hooked up with a guy and it was very clearly not romantic, and also very clearly just two people having sex with each other. I didn't try to impress him and he didn't try to impress me. Now that's a fun dynamic for sex because clearing the love cloud allows you to focus on getting off and leads to a fun time that is sexually fulfilling. We are both active participants in sex, not just passionately touching each other. You both come, high five, “go team!” and move on. Now it was time for me to leave, and it had been snowing all night, and I asked him to come help me clear off my car, and he was straight up like “ya, im not gonna do that”. His response gave me pause but I actually really liked thinking about it. So the initial ego reaction makes me feel like he is using me, doesn't appreciate me, doesn't actually like me, doesn't feel like he needs to do anything for me. It makes me feel like he sees me as easy and that he knows he can get sex out of me without trying. “Jokes on me”. But also in the moment, I had real respect for the answer, because if I'm honest I wouldn't do it for him either. I showed up to his place in a sports bra, dirty hair in a ponytail, no makeup. I wasn't even trying. I also could get sex from him without trying. The part of my ego that got bruised was instantly healed by the comfort that there is a space where I can express myself sexually without needing to do a performance. I can show up as I am, just be, and it isn't that big of a deal. 

So yes, there is a part of me that wants to be seen as a “big deal”, I want to make a man nervous and I want him to feel the need to impress me. I also want to be able to exist as I am, no filter, no performance. It's exhausting to be put on a pedestal and feel a responsibility to uphold the image. Sometimes i just wanna fuck. Sometimes I don't want to invest in emotional labour. 

I wish I could trust a man’s word that he respected me, and not feel like I need the proof in order to believe it. I will always trust a man's actions more than a man's words. I need him to clear the snow off my car to not feel like I’m an idiot. But I don't want to need that. I want to be able to high five and move on, because at the end of the day the product of that interaction is what I'm truly looking for, at least in a hook up situation. In an actual relationship I think I will still need him to clear off my car, but I fear that the only man that would do that for me is the one that believes I'm not capable of doing it for myself.