PTE cont.

I don't have a deep connection with my physical form. What I like and what I connect to does not include my body. If no one ever saw me again, if I didn’t have to answer for it, I would be fat for the rest of my life. But…

When someone sees me, I feel like I need to rationalize my current position. Nono I’m not fat I’m just depressed and traumatized please I’m not like them. I'm not lazy, I'm clean and productive. Please believe me. 

Who am I pleading to? 

Despite being content with myself, I know that I don't measure up to societal standards of existing. When I meet new people I want to give my excuses for why I don't fit the bill. I promise I'm like this for a reason, I'm not just naive and happy. 

But in reality I actually don't care. I just feel like I have to play that part to fit in. It's not acceptable to accept yourself. I'm still very uncomfortable with being outwardly confident. Not even just physically but even with my decisions. It's very hard for me to act with conviction in certain arenas. I'm so accustomed to bending, to accommodating, that when I do stand firm I feel really uncomfortable. It manifests like a fear of rejection; what if I'm completely myself and they don't like it? Then they don't like ME! Instead of the inverse, trying to be pleasing, if they don't like that person well no harm because they didn't know the real me anyways. They know the best, most polished, polite version of me. If you don't like that person, then I think you’re like kinda weird? Like I'm awesome, hello? What is there not to like? But when I think of who I truly am, I think there is a lot for people not to like, or at the very least not be interested in. As much as I like myself, I'm aware that my true self is pretty pungent and particular. I am not easy or agreeable. I'm emotional, neurotic, judgemental, and opinionated. I'm very independent, I will not trust you, and you will never be my best friend. And on top of that im fat lol

With everything I know about myself, I am content. I just think if everyone had my context, I would appear more palatable. I think more people would be willing to give me a chance. But again, why do I care if people give me a chance or not? It's like I have a people-pleaser parasite wormed into my subconscious, making me stress about things I don't actually care about. Omg who cares if I'm not everyone's favorite person, or the prettiest girl in the room, or the most accomplished worker at the conference table. WHO CARES. I do apparently. 

So where do I go from there? I think about starting to live my life as if no one is watching, but the reality of having a social life is that some people are kinda watching, and if they aren’t watching there are still times they get a glimpse. Will I aim to be pristine 24/7 for the comparable half second someone gets insight into my life? If I am living for myself, and for no one else, what does that life look like and how is that different from the life I’m living now? Is the burden I feel from possible perception heavy enough to impact my decisions? 

And I think about my future self. I want to do her justice. I don’t want to look back with regret, but I don’t know how I’m going to feel. Will I regret not living for myself, or will I regret not taking the steps to build a more traditional life? Are the decisions I’m making now support future-me? I hate that I’m not going to know till it’s done. In the end will I feel like I lived to my fullest extent, or will I regret how I went about my life? I have infinite options of career, friends, beliefs, style, education, activity - what am I not doing that I’m going to wish I did? 

I think I have this anxiety because I feel ashamed about my past. The person I am now is not content with what I’ve done. I never dream of going back and doing it over, but I do wish it was different, and I wish I reacted differently. I know I tried my best considering my circumstances, but I do take accountability that I did contribute to some of my stains. I’m an active participant in my setbacks, setbacks that I’m still climbing back from. 

I wonder if it will get better or worse with time. A component to this is definitely the idea that your 20’s are supposed to be this magical time where I travel and date and have fun, so every day I’m not doing that feels like I’m failing myself, even if I’m doing what I want to do. I’m insecure that what I want or what I like is not good enough. What if I’m wrong? What if I am a loser for real and one day I will wake up and have a “come to jesus” moment where it all clicks and then I finally know what I really want. At least if I do what everyone else does, I can blame societal pressure when it doesn't work out. If I follow myself, I am the only one to blame, and that's a lot of responsibility. 

It makes me think of hermits or religious ascetics. To live a stripped down, and simple life. Completely checking out from society and earthly pleasures. To stop participating. I think it's easier to give up on the world when you have God as an excuse. Society will not only allow you, but probably congratulate you, for renouncing the world in the name of God. I think you could argue some people choose renunciation because it’s the only way they think they can ever be accepted, or ever succeed. I may not be able to accomplish a lot, but I can give it all up to gain favour. I wonder how many ascetics there would be if they found out God didn’t exist? That’s kind of the dilemma I’m having; what if I give it all up in the pursuit of getting closer, not to God, but to myself. 

And then I die and in the end God is real and he doesn't like me because I lived an egotistical, self fulfilling life with no regard for him at all. I was a sinner, a glutton; the Whore of Babylon on her beast will not enter the gates of heaven. 

Reverse asceticism: I give up on trying to make it make sense to other people. I renounce external validation. I end the pursuit for accomplishment. I consume and experience. I read every book, watch every movie, eat every food, just for the sake of it. I work the bare minimum to evade homelessness. I move my body because I like it, not because I need to be thin. I talk to people because I like them, not because I’m trying to put myself out there and impress them. I have sex for pleasure, not as a transaction for attention. I will marry for love, not to get a husband. I will live for me, no matter what that looks like to you.