Just Fuckable

I think people see me sexually off the bat and don't take the time to look further into who I am. And I mean why would they? they don't know me. Their first impression of value that I bring to them is a sexual one, so their only objective with me is sexual. I've come to a point where I don't even think it is about the guys I'm choosing, that I'm choosing people who aren't looking for relationships, but that even relationship-driven people can't help but only see me sexually. 

It used to affect my self-esteem because I thought it was about who I was. Like they got to know me and just didn't like me so they weren't interested anymore. Or the feeling that I was attractive enough to fuck but not pretty enough to be seen with in public. A lot of women who aren't thin deal with this: where the man that they are seeing is embarrassed to be attracted to them, so they date you in private. For the longest time, I thought people were just embarrassed by me, and I got comfortable with that. I hate how comfortable I am with having sex with people that only see my value in my ability to fuck. It's what I know best and I became good at it. 

But after time now, I have realized that it has nothing to do with that. No one is embarrassed by me. I do think that I am a catch, and no one would be embarrassed to be seen with me, the problem is no one sees me as someone to be seen with in the first place.

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And on a side note: women’s pleasure and desire are weaponized against us that we are screwed either way. If you wait the allotted 3 dates to sleep with someone, they might lose interest, call you a prude, move on, etc. But if you are into them, and decide you want to have sex sooner, then you are a slut. So it's understood that men want to have sex all the time, and you have to not give in to them so that they still respect you. However, it is not understood that a lot of women feel the same way. How come when I want to have sex with someone I have to think about how that will change my sexual partner’s view of me? That sleeping with them too fast will change how they see you, and drastically so. They could be pining over you and the chemistry could be flying, but you sleep with them and they act like you are kinda gross. So wanting to have sex with you makes me easy? I just don't understand why two people that are interested cant have sex without it turning sour. 

Men will call us easy when what they actually mean is “she liked me and therefore willingly consented.” Would it have been better if you had to convince me? To coerce sex from me? Do you want women to want it at all?

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A lot of the interest that guys have in me is because I complete some sexual fantasy that they have. They may be looking for a girlfriend, but they would be happy to fuck me on the side just for the experience, so they don't bother to put in the same effort with me. Dating me doesn’t even cross their mind, and it's no one's fault. It just can feel shitty sometimes to not be seen as a person lol. 

They do the pleasantries but arent even listening. It's just a step in the way of the main goal. But the more you talk and try to make a connection, the more and more disinterested they get. I can feel them get frustrated with me like I'm in their way from what they want.  

I don't think there's ever been someone that has wanted to date me. Yes, people have been interested, but never enough where they would consider taking me seriously. I want to equate the feeling to go to the strip club. You see all these people that you see in a positive, yet sexual, light. They prance around on a stage for your entertainment and you fantasize about being with them, and you might even go out of your way to impress them just to get their attention. But they got off the stage, put on some regular clothes, step into the sun and no one wants to see them anymore. That's how I feel but like I'm not a stripper. I'm not an entertainer. I've never wanted to be, and yet I get treated as such.    

You don't find me pretty, you find me fuckable. And that fucking sucks. 

Yknow what's even sadder: is that I really am a hopeless romantic at heart. I imagine my future life with a husband and a family, being so in love, and being completely comfortable. I just want to be in love, because I have so much love to give. I don't want to lose my energy being hurt by people that don't even know me. I want to share the love that I have, but one person can only be hit so many times.