Healing is Hard

I always used to think that the hardest part was the first step. getting out of bed, walking out the front door just to feel the sun. cause that part really is fucking hard, and you can't imagine it getting any harder. But that’s the thing about healing, isn’t it; it's the furthest thing from linear. You make the first step,  and then the second, and then you finally start walking. Things get a bit better, and a bit better again, till things are pretty great. Life becomes exciting. That excitement lasts just long enough for you to start believing you might be healed. 

I think this is the hardest part, when you finally realize you have fallen off again. you go back for thirds and sit down in front of a movie you’ve seen a hundred times and you are wondering why you can’t taste anything and why nothing is really satiating and when you wake up it doesn’t even feel like you’ve slept. It all clicks. You're back here again. It sucks to realize that after trying really hard it still amounts to nothing. 

They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, and yet that’s all we got. All we can do is just do it all over again. Things usually get easier after doing them a couple times, but this is the opposite because every time it fails it's just another reason not to do it again.

But I guess I’m getting better at it. I know what foods help. I know what activities to avoid. I know what people to be around. But as my tool bag grows, so does my doubt. I want to give it all up, to do the most self-destructive things I can. Maybe it’ll knock something loose. Or just have fun. probably make everything a lot worse if we are being honest.