Desired Discourse
I used to change myself a lot in order to fit in. Pretend to like things I didn't. Never talk about some of the things I did like to not seem weird. And when I started dating I would try to highlight all of the parts of me I thought would be the most appealing to a partner, and try to erase the parts I thought would be undesirable.
Over time I had this presumption that a lot of men desire comfort, not challenge, so I would mould myself to be the most comfortable. I quickly became resentful of providing comfort for people who only inspired strife. The pendulum swung and I began being mean to men who didn't even deserve it. A maneater. And in that I lost who I want to be as a person. I think we focus a lot on what we need from a person in our pursuit for a partner. You also need to focus on finding a partner that needs what you want to give.
I like being kind. I like being nurturing. I like being someone's peace. But that's not what everyone is looking for. Some people are looking for conflict. I know I definitely look for someone who inspires me to improve. Some people look for someone to challenge them. A true partner isn't always a yes-man. You don't have to be agreeable to be supportive. Perhaps this is a fault of mine, but if a man was kind to me in the same way I am kind to them, I don't know if I would be interested. I don't need to be nurtured the way I nurture others. Treating people how you want to be treated doesn't always apply.
I could find my perfect guy, but if he is looking for a passive, non-critical, agreeable partner, then I am not the right fit for him. I would say my #1 priority is to find someone who acknowledges my intelligence and respects my opinion. I am tired of acting stupid to avoid intimidating someone. When decisions are being made, my opinion isn't going to matter because it's polite to consider it; it's going to matter because my partner thinks I'm so smart that I must be consulted to be confident we are making the right decision. Respect to me isn't just going through the motions “the right way”, but wanting to do it because you think it's the right thing to do. Anyone can genuflect, but God will know if you believe it.
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Another note on dating culture/content would be that we forget how influenced we are by social norms when looking for a partner, and forget who these social norms benefit. Dating is a billion dollar industry. Hinge is the app made to be deleted, but what subscription based company would ever want you to quit? Our criteria for our partner’s adequacy is so complex and based on irrelevant facts that I think there's more basis to date based on your astrological sign.
“Never accept a coffee date for a first date”
“If he doesn't pick up the bill he is broke and not worth your time”
“If he didn't text you today he isn't taking you seriously and you should save your time”.
Although I understand the root of these comments, they have been so far removed from the source that I don't think people realize how insane it is starting to sound. If I am actually interested in a man, and I want to spend time with him in order to get to know him, I don't care where we are or who pays for it? Are you telling me if your crush asked you out for coffee, you would say no because it's considered a lazy choice? A guy you actually like spending time with is in a financial position where they have to split the bill, you really would rather stay home and not even bother? Why would we treat our friends better than our partner? But don't get it twisted: if a guy flat out won't buy you dinner because “girls just use you for free food” he is a misogynist and he can suck my dick, but i think that is part of the problem! We consume so much dating content and take part in so many conversations about dating and we don't realize that our rules and tenets for dating are highly influenced by the dating industry that thrives on us failing. When we start questioning each other's intentions, and turn dating into a game of who gets to say “well jokes on them” first, we entirely miss the plot. There aren't supposed to be any winners or losers. If anyone is keeping score, they are the weird ones. OR! They are the one who monetarily benefits from your losses and is highly motivated to push you to failure.
My goal is not to diminish the real systemic misogyny that women are trying to push against. I just don't agree that going on the offensive is benefiting anyone in this case. I think we have to assess our offender and find a method that will have some motion. I think the longer we allow ourselves to be hardened by reality, at the end of the day we will be the only ones who lose. It is definitely unfair, but I do think the best method is to stay open and to keep trying. If you are going to have any harsh qualifiers, make them count. Be open to experience, be willing to try new things. When a man or woman says something disgusting, call them out and stand firm. Reassess what actually matters. There are plenty of people out there that would be in relationships with horrible, disrespectful men as long as they paid for everything. I am not disrespecting that choice. If life has shown you that all men are awful, I will not fault you for choosing one that at least provides a comfort of some kind. What I will criticise is someone rejecting a coffee date from someone they don't know. I don't think I agree with making a judgement of someone you haven't met yet. If you are going to have a blanket set of standards, make it for things that aren't so trivial.
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After re-reading I hate how misogynistic this comes off. I think I have just experienced a lot of great people date major losers. I'm not trying to blame someone for choosing the wrong partner (I am not naive enough to think I'm above reproach), but it's hard not to get exhausted by the discourse. We are flooded with commentary on stupid shit and I feel like I rarely see conversations about qualities that matter. I am thirsty for conversations on dating where both men and women are regarded as real human beings. Marriage has always been a transaction, a contract. It makes me sad to think that will be the only lens we see life through. I'm choosing to still believe in love and spiritual partnership. I don't want to give up yet.
