My Health: im a loser
I don't know what you would call my situation. Chronic illness feels too severe. “Health problems” feels vague and weird. So just my setbacks i guess. My depression and ovarian cysts cause me to be in pain like 75% of the time. ( I already feel whiney and complainy and gross talking about it). Because of this I spend a lot of time at home, in bed, literally just resting. Any moment I can I just rest. So much of my spare time and hours awake are spent in bed, and it's starting to get old.
I used to spend every night after work outside doing something. Just walking the streets meeting up with friends, just hanging out, literally anything that wasn't at home. But now I just sit here because I can't do much else. But now I sit here, thinking of all the things I could be doing and blaming myself for not doing them. Am I lazy or am I actually hurting? If you think about it it is my fault that I can't do anything right? It's my paint that's hindering me. It's my need for rest that is keeping me in my room. There is no one else to blame.
I feel like I'm losing myself to my pain. I'm becoming a loser who sits in their room who doesn't experience anything, who doesn't create anything. I work, I rest, I do it again. It's literally so lame it makes me want to scoop my eyeballs out.
It's also so hard to find inspiration with no new experiences, especially social ones. Just seeing people, not even talking to them, makes me think. Seeing people just living. Then talking to people gives me even more. I forget how much I'm not feeling on a day-to-day basis until I start talking with people. And not even in a romantic sense either. I just like getting to know people and seeing what they are about. I feel like my brain starts firing when I learn about other people, especially those that I find interesting. But how am I supposed to meet people when I'm alone in my room?
It seriously saddens me that this could be my life. And I don't know how to cope; should i take this feeling to motivate me to try and feel better, or should I learn to embrace it and love my new life? Right now I'm stuck in this limbo, and I feel really stuck. I find myself mourning my old life and I really don't feel like mourning. But anyone in mourning doesn't want to be. If any of us had a choice, we would choose against it.
Then I start to think of the moment when I'm finally well enough to get back out there. When I'm no longer in so much pain that I can't even focus on a simple task, what do I have to show for it? It's been forever since I've actually done anything interesting; all I have is myself. And why would anyone want to hear about me if I wouldn't even want to hear about myself? I don't DO anything, so what is there to tell? I have nothing to present; I didn't get it on the plate. Before I even have the right to talk to anyone I need to create a person first. I need to do a bunch of stuff, grow from it, and maybe have something profound to say. But isn't that sad? That I don't think I'm worth anything in my current state. It's weird because I would never say that about myself. I think I have self-esteem, and that I am someone of value. I guess not as a conversationalist. My fear of being so uninteresting to someone else is resorting to the role of the observer. I HATE observers. They just talk a bunch of shit about people but are too big of a pussy to do anything themselves, and I'm not a pussy! I just feel like my organs are imploding on themselves every 15 minutes! It's totally different!
But that's not really a difference you can tell people without totally oversharing. I also don't want people knowing all my shit its like so irrelevant to who I am, but it's no longer not so unrelated. I have a growing desire to be understood. It's not a feeling I like. It reeks of desperation. “See guys! It's not my fault I'm a total loser! Hear my sob story ! Feel bad for me and don't hold my boring life against me!”. Like, boohoo whatever no one cares. It sounds so stupid.
There is also a lot of discomfort in looking at myself in the mirror, at how I judge others, and how in turn that reflects in how I view myself. I have given undue value to how people spend their time versus who they are as people. I think I took “actions over words” too literally. The mentality of hustle culture seeped its way into my subconscious without me even realizing; that people's ideas and plans hold less value if they don't take any steps towards actualizing them. I think you are able to judge someone's true intention, and we should be kinder to people's pursuits, and that their intention holds the same value even if it isn't actualized. And we shouldn't need an excuse for not being able to take those steps either. I shouldn't forgive myself for not “doing anything” because of my health, we should be okay with not doing anything because it's okay to do nothing.
I've been reflecting a lot about this topic, and it's becoming so clear that it is just ego getting in the way of me letting myself live. The pursuit to “be cool” is superficial, and attaining it is pure perception. It doesn't even exist. So how did I think that I could try and find that in others? There's one thing to want to have common interests with a partner or friend, but perhaps broadening my scope could open me up to some different people, maybe nicer. Who knows how my own subconscious view has attracted people with the same perception? I feel foolish that i got attracted to people doing things that i found cool, rather than being attracted to how they act and react.
Its too bad that I had to be debilitated to have this realization. I guess its always been an insecurity of mine, but it has been forced to the forefront. Having to rely on who I am and not being able to distract with activity means that peoples judgement of me will truly be of who I am and their assessment of that. As much as we can tell each other not to care about what people think, it is still very difficult to be rejected for who you are.
